The Runner

Chicken Soup for the Soul: True Love

BY: Jay Rylant

I'd like to run away from you,
But if you didn't come and find me...
I would die.
~Shirley Bassey

I'm a runner. I'm not a runner in the traditional sense. I run from love. It scares the crap out of me, and I don't know why. There's something about feeling that good which instills fear in me like nothing else. It's impossible to feel that good without knowing you're going to end up getting hurt. It's the way it's always been for me.

It's anyone's guess how I became a runner. Maybe not having a father figure around the house when I grew up had something to do with it. It's possibly nothing more than a simple phobia, induced by something completely untraceable. It could be nothing more than a small part of a much bigger mental illness, which I too would acknowledge, then attempt to do nothing about. Acceptance has never been a problem with me. But taking action, well, that's a whole different story. All this aside, I have this problem -- I'm a runner.

We've all been taught to embrace our fears, as do I. I've even been known to search for love, sometimes to even run after it, but the results have always been the same. Find someone, begin a relationship, let love blossom, and when things start getting good, run like a river after spring rains. As I said before, I'm a runner.

Strangely, one of my biggest hopes in life is to settle down with that one special someone. The person who makes you feel like you're home, just because you're with them. The person who can make your heart melt with a simple look. The person who understands I'm a runner, and she waits patiently for me to get tired, and turn to face what she's already faced -- that love only gets better with time.

And with the right person, love can blossom into something beyond our wildest dreams.

True love, when allowed to take its course, is grander than the grandest of fairy tales. It is the essence of life, and all which encompasses our existence as humans. Everything else is just life's complements.

Runners never get the opportunity to experience this secure faith in love. It's the initial Wow, and then it's off to the races. There is help for runners, but you would have to want help, more than you want love, because you can't experience one without eliminating the other.

Something happened a few years ago to change my life forever. I met her. The one. The love of my life. For awhile, at least. I mean, I do have some run still left in me.

She seems to recognize this, and from time to time she gives me space. No leash. No restrictions. When I come back around, she takes me in, feeds me, and gives me a heart to lean on. She forgives, but she doesn't forget. For this, I'm grateful. I need the reminder, although she could be a bit more subtle sometimes. Then again, when I step back and look through her eyes, which is easy to do when you're in love, I see the pain I cause her.

This is enough to make me want to run away forever, because the last thing I want to do is cause someone else pain. Especially someone I love as much as I love her. But if I did run away from her with intent not to return, and I tried once, then we both lose.

You see, I learned something about running away from true love. You can't. It follows you wherever you go. True love is inside you. It is a part of you, and it consumes you. It's supposed to. It is, after all, the essence of life.

In a nutshell, true love makes hope look like a distant cousin. When it comes to things which drive us, and hope, for many, is the grandest of things, love is still the grand master.

As the years have passed, I now run less and less. When I run, I never stray too far from home, because deep down, I know I love her too. She's special. She understands my mental illness like none before. She accepts me as I am, to a point. I'd be disappointed if she didn't want to change me a little. I do have flaws which could use some mending.

Today, we share a unity of life's spirit. I've never felt this before. Hell, I never would have even said anything like that before, but she brings this out in me. Love can be so many things, but in the end, it's what you allow it to be -- not what you make it.

I now live to make her happy, as she has done so many times for me. The past is the past, and the future will surely bring many surprises. But for today, I'm happy to be where I'm at in life. I still hope for many things, but none of those hopes compare to the love I feel for this woman.

She fills my heart with joy. She gives me new hope. There's no place to run when you've found where you were going, and that's a good thing. Because, for the record, I'm tired of running.

Wishes. Blessings

Served by Jared Wong
Monday 17 May 2010, 1.27 am

I'm going to be celebrating my 4th birthday in Canberra soon! Who knew this city would turn out to be such a huge part of my life.

So what do I expect this year.. hmm. Truth be told, I don't really need anything. Looking back at my past birthday wishes here, only 2 remain on my list; an Audi R8 and growing in Him. What became of my other wishes?I actually have a guitar a PS3, a hdmi monitor, my speakers DID arrive, I'm into my Honours year, and I have this nifty electric razor =) Plus I have an ok job.

One thing I learned? God gives me everything I need, and what I want he gives them to me in good small doses. For my birthday this year I'm just so thankful that You took care of me for this long in a foreign country, and that You'll continue to do so for the rest of my life. Sometimes its so hard to see that, but looking back at the last 2 years I can sort of see Your hand in my life.

So Lord, You alone know what's good for me. Give me those things in their proper time, and help me recognize its from You. Grant me patience, Your wisdom, and your Spirit. Help me to be a better student. and a better Christian. thats my wish this year!


Served by Jared Wong
Thursday 13 May 2010 2.38 am

Blarhkk!! this stupid organic oatmeal tastes like leftover food gone bad! Theres actually more salt in it than sugar! even after adding in cinnamon and honey it still tastes bad. Thats what happens when I'm working too hard to cook and happen to find a packet of organic oatmeal from dad's last December. But i'm still going to try this dubious looking packet of teh tarik! what could go wrong?
Back to work!

Girl. Cooking.

Served by Jared Wong
Wednesday 12 May 2010 4.23 am

The other day I met this girl who is totally my type. BUT she already has a boyfriend. So, off limits! Thats my strict moral code =P. And yes I thought of my first crush, but that will never happen.

Recently I realized I'm spending less time cooking good food and just slumming it. My stupid schedule is too busy!

Drums. Idea.

Served by Jared Wong
Wednesday 12 May 4.14 am

I often think to myself. My life needs a drum kit. I miss having drums around. The way I can just beat out my day, create a new rhythm for the next day, and just get creative with my hands. I've been considering getting an electronic drum kit. But money costs and practicality (I don't know if I can hang on to it when I leave) prevent me. Friends say my PS3 was the better choice. I disagree. They're not musicians. I still wake up at night just to hold my drumsticks and tap out a beat I just thought of. But without drums the beat vanishes after a few days.

Just yesterday I had this amazing idea! If I could fix a trampoline directly beneath my window, I could get out of bed, and go straight to class without having to take the lift, saving me precious time! Plus it would be so damn fun! Also, if I could fix a trampoline every 5 meters from the first, all the way to class, I could just bounce there without having to touch the ground! Sure beats cycling to class...boing boing!