Chicken Soup for the Soul: True Love
I'd like to run away from you,
But if you didn't come and find me...
I would die.
I'm a runner. I'm not a runner in the traditional sense. I run from love. It scares the crap out of me, and I don't know why. There's something about feeling that good which instills fear in me like nothing else. It's impossible to feel that good without knowing you're going to end up getting hurt. It's the way it's always been for me.
It's anyone's guess how I became a runner. Maybe not having a father figure around the house when I grew up had something to do with it. It's possibly nothing more than a simple phobia, induced by something completely untraceable. It could be nothing more than a small part of a much bigger mental illness, which I too would acknowledge, then attempt to do nothing about. Acceptance has never been a problem with me. But taking action, well, that's a whole different story. All this aside, I have this problem -- I'm a runner.
We've all been taught to embrace our fears, as do I. I've even been known to search for love, sometimes to even run after it, but the results have always been the same. Find someone, begin a relationship, let love blossom, and when things start getting good, run like a river after spring rains. As I said before, I'm a runner.
Strangely, one of my biggest hopes in life is to settle down with that one special someone. The person who makes you feel like you're home, just because you're with them. The person who can make your heart melt with a simple look. The person who understands I'm a runner, and she waits patiently for me to get tired, and turn to face what she's already faced -- that love only gets better with time.
And with the right person, love can blossom into something beyond our wildest dreams.
True love, when allowed to take its course, is grander than the grandest of fairy tales. It is the essence of life, and all which encompasses our existence as humans. Everything else is just life's complements.
Runners never get the opportunity to experience this secure faith in love. It's the initial Wow, and then it's off to the races. There is help for runners, but you would have to want help, more than you want love, because you can't experience one without eliminating the other.
Something happened a few years ago to change my life forever. I met her. The one. The love of my life. For awhile, at least. I mean, I do have some run still left in me.
She seems to recognize this, and from time to time she gives me space. No leash. No restrictions. When I come back around, she takes me in, feeds me, and gives me a heart to lean on. She forgives, but she doesn't forget. For this, I'm grateful. I need the reminder, although she could be a bit more subtle sometimes. Then again, when I step back and look through her eyes, which is easy to do when you're in love, I see the pain I cause her.
This is enough to make me want to run away forever, because the last thing I want to do is cause someone else pain. Especially someone I love as much as I love her. But if I did run away from her with intent not to return, and I tried once, then we both lose.
You see, I learned something about running away from true love. You can't. It follows you wherever you go. True love is inside you. It is a part of you, and it consumes you. It's supposed to. It is, after all, the essence of life.
In a nutshell, true love makes hope look like a distant cousin. When it comes to things which drive us, and hope, for many, is the grandest of things, love is still the grand master.
As the years have passed, I now run less and less. When I run, I never stray too far from home, because deep down, I know I love her too. She's special. She understands my mental illness like none before. She accepts me as I am, to a point. I'd be disappointed if she didn't want to change me a little. I do have flaws which could use some mending.
Today, we share a unity of life's spirit. I've never felt this before. Hell, I never would have even said anything like that before, but she brings this out in me. Love can be so many things, but in the end, it's what you allow it to be -- not what you make it.
I now live to make her happy, as she has done so many times for me. The past is the past, and the future will surely bring many surprises. But for today, I'm happy to be where I'm at in life. I still hope for many things, but none of those hopes compare to the love I feel for this woman.
She fills my heart with joy. She gives me new hope. There's no place to run when you've found where you were going, and that's a good thing. Because, for the record, I'm tired of running.